1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is
a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee,
Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by
Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah."
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumcised
the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because
of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies,
all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet is an example of a
heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was
John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died
and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards
and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the
slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night
of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in
his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly
insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had
a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and
so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half
English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even
when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827
and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was
a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
discovered radio.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
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