Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sorry for Being Gone So Long..

Everyone has just been so sick..including me! Now we all have colds..again..sheesh!

We have also been meeting with case workers for Christopher. We have decided to go the "intensive therapy" route with him. This means that Christopher will have a team of 5 therapists working with him every day for 5 hours each day..in our home..

It seems like a lot of work, but Christopher is worth it! Whatever he needs, we will do. Since I no longer work outside the home, I will be here all day so the therapists can work with him as long as they need to. The only question is..will Christopher be willing? He has a short attention span, but he is coming along nicely with the therapy he is receiving now. This intensive in home Autism therapy will not begin until the end of 2011. That is how long the waiting list is for help.

There are just so many children in need of this therapy..and obviously, not enough therapists to go around. During the waiting period, we will be taking him through a less intensive program to get him used to more hours of therapy. This should begin within the next few months..

I look at him when he is sleeping..like most Mothers look at their children..only I cry..I apologize for doing this to him..Where did I make my mistake? Did I not take the right vitamins..Did I drink too much soda..Did I not get enough rest? How could I have done this to my baby?

When I set out to have children..never in a million years did I think that I could be capable of ruining their lives..even before their lives got started! 2 of my 4 boys have special needs..both have Autism..what does that say about me as a Mother? I cannot tell any of you how much guilt flows through my veins every day..if I could take their pain away..let them live "normal" lives..let ME be the one who has all of the problems..you bet your bottom dollar I would do it....

All I can do now is pick up the pieces and love them beyond the moon, the stars and Heaven...and pray to God that some day..they will be able to forgive me for what I have done..even though I really do not even know what I did..some day..they can live an almost "normal" life..and some day..they will love me as much as I love them..

During this week of Thanks..I only ask you to hug your children..tell them every day how much you love them..be thankful for the wonderful lives you have..for even though our lives may be a little bumpy right now..I do thank God each and every day that He has brought these Angels into my life..and has allowed me to love them no matter what I did.

God Bless us..Everyone

6 comments:

kornkountrytreasures said...

Hey, Suz! I am glad you are all getting out of the sick house!!! It does seem to get nasty especially when it isn't even winter yet!
Do NOT blame yourself for your childrens conditions! I feel that God gives us these special children for a reason. Not as a punishment, but as a blessing! Grab them, hug them, kiss them, and love them!! They are truly God's gifts!

Jewelry by Christopher said...

Hey Amy..thanks!

I do not consider them a punishment by any stretch of the imagination..they ARE God's gifts..I just wish I could take away their pain..and make their lives..for lack of a better word..normal..and as their mother I should have the power to do so..but I don't..its very frustrating..

kidatheart10 said...

Susan, you have me in tears here-please don't blame yourself for something you may or may not have done!! I know, that's easy to say, not easy to follow. Just continue to love them and get the best help for them you can. Sending you cyberhugs, and wishes that the rest of your fall and winter are germ-free! Being sick is its own downer, plus with everyone else having been sick-oh boy!!
Sending you more (((((hugs))))!!

Jewelry by Christopher said...

Thank you Karin..

Its so hard not to blame myself..sometimes I just feel so guilty..its just not fair that they may never know the simple things in life..like to be able to go somewhere by themselves..enjoy a walk on the beach..even fall in love..it breaks my heart..

I did not mean to make anyone cry..I'm sorry..

I love my kids..and I guess God chose the right woman for the job..but MAN! I can only hope and wish for the best for them..especially when I am no longer here..that is the real fear..OK..I'm gonna stop now..LOL..don't want to start crying again..

Thank you all for your kind words over the last months..I really appreciate it and it keeps me going and happy.

Karin..you know how I feel about you and our friendship..I could not ask for a better friend..thank you!

((((((HUGS)))))))

Love Your Pet Expo said...

I know how you feel. Our daughter has epilepsy. I never smoked, drank, or took any kind of drugs during pregnancy, and I breast fed. This was 48 years ago, before they educated us on these things, but as far as I know, I did all the right stuff anyway. She was a healthy kid, but started having seizures as a young adult. She has been struggling to cope ever since. You and I may never know what caused these challenges. All we can do is love these special people then love them some more.

Jewelry by Christopher said...

Thank You Hon..you know exactly how I feel..my 14 year old started all his problems with seizures at 6 months of age..that was quite scary..those seizures left him brain damaged and almost dead.. everything else just collapsed onto him..the Autism..the ADHD..and the severe delay due to the brain damage..poor little guy..he never had a chance..and who are we going to blame? Of course ourselves..who else is there? but you are right..all we can do is love them..and love them some more..thank you!